Don’t Go In The Woods (Don’t Watch This Movie)

Dont Go In The Woods. 2010

A young band heads to the woods in order to focus on writing new songs. Hoping to emerge with new music that will score them their big break, they instead find themselves in the middle of a nightmare beyond comprehension.
“Making a hit can be a killer……”
Director: Vincent D’Onofrio
Writers: Sam Bisbee (screenplay), Vincent D’Onofrio (story)
Stars: Bo Boddie, Eric Bogosian, Gwynn Galitzer
Runtime: 83 min

Holy shit! I’d thought I’d seen it all. Every blood soaked, gore filled, poorly executed, crappy acted, horribly directed, plot holed, budget strapped, shitty movie put out in the last couple a years. I was wrong. Horribly wrong. I read the crackflix synopsis, pretty much told me that a bunch of teens head into the woods and run afoul of a sledgehammer weilding maniac! Perfect, sounds like a nice slasher set up to me. Directed by Vincet D’Onofrio, he’s got some star power, Don’t Go In The Woods should be alright I thought. Well the film turns out to be a freaking musical slasher. Therein the problem lies; I love slashers, but I hate musicals. The combination is (in this case anyway) absolutely terrible.

Today in Horror

The Hitcher. 1986.

A young man who escaped the clutches of a murderous hitch-hiker is subsequently stalked, framed for the hitcher’s crimes, and has his life made into hell by the same man he escaped. The Hitcher is a 1986 road thriller, directed by Robert Harmon and written by Eric Red. The film stars Rutger Hauer, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Jason Leigh and Jeffrey DeMunn.

The Hitcher is a classic open road slasher starring, among others, Rutger Hauer. And honestly who the hell doesn’t like Rutger. It spawned a 2007 remake, directed by Dave Meyers and starring Sean Bean as the Hitcher. Decent as far as remakes go. Anyway if you haven’t seen the original Hitcher do yourself a favor and pick up a copy, iTunes it or whatever, watch it.

Screenies

---

The Hitcher

The Hitcher

The Hitcher

The Hitcher

The Hitcher

The Hitcher

The Hitcher

The Hitcher

The Hitcher

The Hitcher

---

Original Trailer

---

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines

Wrong Turn 5

Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines is a 2012 American horror film and the fifth installment in the Wrong Turn film series that began with Wrong Turn and was followed by Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead and Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings.
Release date: October 18, 2012 (initial release)
Director: Declan O’Brien
DVD release date: October 23, 2012
Running time: 87 minutes
Screenplay: Declan O’Brien
Cast: Doug Bradley, Roxanne McKee, Camilla Arfwedson, Oliver Hoare, Borislav Iliev, Peter Brooke
Wiki

Honestly the last few flicks in the Wrong Turn franchise have been going down hill fast; the lesbians in #4 were pretty much the only saving grace in the last flick. Needless to say I wasn’t to enthusiastic about the release of Wrong Turn 5 having given up hope on the series. I rented it anyway not hoping for much. Wrong Turn 5 was a bit of a reversal in the downward trend of the last 3 films; now it isn’t going to be up for an Oscar anytime soon but the flick does have its decent moments. Wrong Turn 5 starts off in West Virginia where a group of hapless teens (of-course) are on their way to a music festival near a small backwoods town. As is the case in almost every slasher/inbred/cannibal/hillbilly flick, the teens stray off the course and stumble across said maniacs and bloody mayhem ensues. Ya!

Rites of Spring

Rites of Spring. 2011.

A ransom scheme turns into a nightmare for a group of kidnappers who become victims of a horrifying secret that must be paid every spring.
Director: Padraig Reynolds
Writer: Padraig Reynolds (screenplay)
Stars: Sonny Marinelli, Katherine Randolph and Anessa Ramsey

One part kidnapping ransom flick mixed with one part inbred farmers malformed creature(ish) son mixed with copious amounts of confused and directionless storytelling equals one big mess! An interesting mess. I do like crime films and I do like inbred monster films and I guess I would like both together I’m just not sure if I liked Rites of Spring.  I like rural settings a-la TCM where you get rusted old tractors laying about, dilapidated old barns slowly decaying in the scorching sun and eery looking corn fields long past ripe so I will assume that’s what kept me watching this film long past my loss of interest.  Mind you I was battling the flu when viewing this film and was hopped up on some pretty good meds….so my incoherent and spotty memory of Rites of Spring might have something to do with the confusion I experienced throughout.  I actually shouldn’t be posting about this film without a sober and clear re-viewing.  I’ll let this guy tell it all. Rites of Spring Review by Chris Pandolfi. Anyway check out Rites of Spring @ IMDb.

The Burning

The Burning. 1981.

The Burning is a 1981 slasher film directed by Tony Maylam, with music by Rick Wakeman. It tells the story of a cruel, alcoholic, sadistic caretaker at a summer camp (nicknamed “Cropsy” and based on the urban legend of Cropsey) who falls victim to a prank that went out of control which leaves him horribly burned and disfigured. Following his release from hospital, he returns to his old stomping ground and begins a murder spree. The film was one of the first from Miramax Films: Harvey Weinstein produced the film and Bob Weinstein was a co-writer. Jason Alexander, Fisher Stevens and Oscar winner Holly Hunter all made their motion picture debuts in this film. (Wiki)

Release date: May 8, 1981 (initial release)
Director: Tony Maylam
DVD release date: September 11, 2007
Running time: 91 minutes
Screenplay: Tony Maylam, Harvey Weinstein

The Burning is a must see film for any fan of 80’s slashers. A maniac stalking the woods of a remote summer camp seeking vengence upon sex crazed half naked teens sounds all to familiar doesn’t it? While The Burning is a blatant rip off of Friday the 13th, who cares? It is a decent film in it’s own right. A cast of likable characters, tons of blood (by none other than Tom Savini) and a horribly disfigured villain. What’s not to like. Add in some 80’s synth (yeah!), full frontal female nudity, some gory deaths and a remote backwoods camp setting and you have all the right ingredients for a quintessential early 80’s slasher. While not perfect by any means, The Burning is definitely recommended viewing in my opinion. Oh ya and you get to see George Castanza with a full head of hair!! The Burning @ IMDb.

Son of a Hundred Maniacs

Just stumbled across this little fan made work in progress prequel to a Nightmare on Elm Street. Fan Films are not usually my cup of tea (actually my can of beer if you want to be precise) but it looks like these guys are pretty dedicated to the project. If your into Krueger and the Elm Street franchise check this out. Directed by Andrew Daniels with Director of Photography Ernesto Lorenzo. Son of a Hundred Maniacs on Facebook.

Next Up: another blog entry…….

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Tucker and Dale vs Evil. 2010.

Tucker & Dale vs Evil is a 2010 Canadian-American comedy horror film written and directed by Eli Craig. The film stars Alan Tudyk, Tyler Labine and Katrina Bowden.
Release date: January 22, 2010 (initial release)
Director: Eli Craig
DVD release date: November 29, 2011
Running time: 89 minutes
Screenplay: Eli Craig, Morgan Jurgenson

A group of college students, including Allison (Katrina Bowden), Chad (Jesse Moss), Chloe (Chelan Simmons), Chuck (Travis Nelson), Jason (Brandon Jay McLaren), Naomi (Christie Laing), Todd (Alex Arsenault), Mitch (Adam Beauchesne) and Mike (Joseph Allan Sutherland), are going camping in West Virginia. While at a gas station, they encounter Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Tyler Labine) two well-meaning hillbillies who have just bought the vacation home of their dreams: a run-down lakefront cabin in the middle of the woods. (Wiki)

Tucker and Dale vs Evil is an absolutely hilarious take on the classic backwoods slasher subgenre. Im not generally a horror-comedy fan but this works astonishingly well. A group of teens stumble across the two inept hillbillies and a series of misunderstandings and role reversals ensue with bloody consequences. This is definitely a must watch on Netflix. Tucker and Dale @ IMDB

Maniac (2012)

IFC Midnight has acquired all North American rights to director Franck Khalfoun’s remake of the 1980 chiller “Maniac,” starring Elijah Wood.

Wood takes on the role of Frank, a withdrawn mannequin-store owner whose obsession with a young female artist unleashes long-buried murderous tendencies. “High Tension” screenwriters Alexandre Aja and Gregory Levasseur wrote the screenplay for the film, which first screened out of competition at Cannes. Courtesy of Indiewire

Maniac. 2012.

I for one am very excited for this, hopefully it will be faithful to the original 80’s pyscho sleazefest. Can Frodo top Joe Spinell? We’ll see. If you haven’t seen the original do it and do it now it’s a bloody mess!

Nine Dead

Nine Dead. 2010.

Nine Dead is a 2009 horror thriller film, directed by Chris Shadley, produced by Paula Hart and written by Patrick Wehe Mahoney. Filming began on July 6, 2008 and ended on July 27, 2008.
Release date: March 9, 2010 (initial release)
Director: Chris Shadley
DVD release date: March 9, 2010
Running time: 98 minutes
Screenplay: Patrick Wehe Mahoney

After a string of kidnappings, these nine people are locked inside a room and handcuffed to pipes. Then a masked man enters and explains each of them are there for a reason, and to survive, they must figure it out. Every ten minutes they don’t the shooter will enter and kill one of them. (Wiki)

Well I wonder where that idea came from……I’m looking at you SAW. Similarities aside, I was mildly disinterested in Nine Dead throughout. I didn’t care much for any of the characters save for my pure loathing of the lead female; she really shouldn’t be an actress, really! Poor execution, a weak plot and mediocre acting made the film a bore to watch; there weren’t even any creative kills, bloody scenes or nudity to save this flick. I did like the villains mask though. Anywho watch if ya want or don’t……Nine Dead @ IMDB

Next Up: checking into rehab for my Iphone 5 addiciton….

Smiley

A smiley, smiley face, happy face, or 🙂 is a stylized representation of a smiling humanoid face, commonly occurring in popular culture. It is commonly represented as a yellow (many other colors are also used) circle (or sphere) with two black dots representing eyes and a black arc representing the mouth. “Smiley” is also sometimes used as a generic term for any emoticon 🙂 or Creepy skin mask…..

Smiley @ IMDB